*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
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Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”