[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
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my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
this was the best i’ve ever seen
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals