[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
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My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.