Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
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“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.