I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
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People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?