[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
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Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.