[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
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The Wolf of Wall Street.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Note to self: always read the final line
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy