[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
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My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning