[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
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I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.