(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
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I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
There are usually two types of merchants.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.