[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
You Might Also Like
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!