I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
You Might Also Like
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.