[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
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wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Alexa: *deep breath*
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.