God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
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even bears disappoint their mothers
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
My first child will be named New Folder.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.