God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
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Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance