[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
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[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
I have a black belt in leather
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out