[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
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When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste