GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
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Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?