GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
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My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
All. The. Damn. Time.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video