GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
You Might Also Like
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Oops I deleted….
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?