GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
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Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
philosophical skeletons be like
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”