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Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.