God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
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Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment