God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
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Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.