God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
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Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.