God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
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“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?