I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
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After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!