me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
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[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
We found love in a hopeless place.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off