God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
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Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
There is no “ea” in Tim.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Every time my phone rings
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Shower sex be like:
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*