I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
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My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.