God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
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Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
seems fine