God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
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Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi