@WornOutMommy: God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
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@aka_fatman: Let's play the Rihanna drinking game! We'll drink a shot of vodka every time she says 'work'. [2 minutes later] *house is on fire*
@NintenDom: Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He's never gonna give you Up.
@ramenfuneral: when i was a kid, i thought getting arrested for shoplifting meant getting in trouble for trying to carry a store like popeye or something
@HeyoShellz: [sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail] Me: hi I think we were separated at birth