@shariv67: God grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I will not read.
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@dafloydsta: [first date] HER: I really like you ME: I like you too HER: So did you bring protection? ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
@JohnLyonTweets: I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
@ArfMeasures: ME: Ok, that's everything in the dishwasher *closes dishwasher door* *turns it on* *turns around* TEASPOON: You're not gonna believe this