God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
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I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.