God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
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I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.