God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
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Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.