@juliussharpe: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and ten million dollars.
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@ShaneKnowsStuff: The girls I meet in bars have the worst pickup lines. They're like, "Hey, what's your friend's name?" Never works on me ladies.
@Midgetspar: My teenage daughter is TRYING to say, "I miss you dad, please take me fishing." But it keeps coming out like, "Hey, can I have $20 dollars."
@marinarachael: I don't know why we have three different pig emojis but it's great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching: 🐖 🐷 🐽
@Merman_Melville: At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die