Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
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[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
prepare for carbonated trouble
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
oh my gosh!!
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*