@SerialFuckup: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@AtticusFinch79: Me: Babe, can you zip this for me? Him: That's an inflatable sumo suit. Me: I'm flying United today. Him: Don't forget your helmet.
@squirrel74wkgn: Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending? Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
@Fred_Delicious: [Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist] "He was literally kermit the frog"
@stephenjmolloy: Doctor: "I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?" Nurse: "B positive." Doctor: "Okay. I don't think this patient is dying."