God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
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[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…