God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
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Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Succinctly put.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.