God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
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MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
i actually laughed 😩
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.