God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
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[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
There’s only one good girl here!
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.