God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
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This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
A man of commitment.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
me irl
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*