It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
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After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.