(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
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how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.