14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
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Going to church you guys need anything
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Happy Star Wars day!
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
This meal prepping shit is easy
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Catercrombie & Fish
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.