I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
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“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
shut up and take my money
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song