@onion_an: [on date pretending not to be a dung beetle] Date: What's your favourite meal? Me: Poop Date: What? Me: SOUP, I like eating soup

@JesKeepSwimming: Ladies, if a guy tells you "Leggings aren't pants," tell him "You're welcome."

@AnkCoupleTO: *at lawyer's office* Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she's seeing a surgeon *idiot wife pops out from under desk* that's so not true!

@68Cly29: I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing. To let me know when I am wrong.

@haveigotnews: As Vladimir Putin announces he's seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.