@WeissBrandon: Friend: If Nicki Minaj, Ke$ha, Nickelback, and Creed all died in a plane crash who would you miss the most? Me.. F... M.. F.. Me: the pilot

@ninjadinosaur1: I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I'm awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.

@iamspacegirl: when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn't see and he kept walking for a little bit

@DaddyJew: Waitress: what will it be? Me: I'll have the rum cake but with the rum on the side W: so u want a glass of rum & a cupcake? M: yes please

@libbycwatson: i’m like a biiiird / i wanna shit on cars