She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
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During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.