God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
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Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.